It took me a while to embrace the Stay At Home Mum role. Every day I battle with wanting to work versus wanting to raise my children.
My lowest days are filled with frustration of the lack of time or energy to find work and then the guilt of feeling that way, and then I have a chocolate bar and I feel better. So maybe its not that I really want to work maybe I just needed a sugar fix? Who knows.
My best days though are when my kids have displayed they’re magnitude of intelligence and personality. Its amaaaaaaaazing and fascinating how small children can manipulate you, love you, outsmart you, want you and need you all in a couple of minutes. And whether I’ve fallen for their tricks or not, watching them grow, watching their tiny brain develop before my eyes is truly magical.
So in my personal emotional battle of finding myself as a mother, not trying to be like that mother, not trying to be my mother, trying to be the right mother, I keep myself in check. Once my husband talks me through my meltdowns, I always try to come out of it better. I want to learn and move on from each bout of frustration but it’s not that easy. I want to be happy as a Stay At Home Mum because that is what I am. And it doesn’t cancel out the years of studying and qualifications nor the years of work I have done. Although it feels like it.
I’ve gotten better at certain things so far. Like I force myself to read a last bed time book at night, even though I’ve read all those shoved in my nose throughout the day and I’ve been up since the last 3 and half years and I’m exhausted. Does it shock you that I have to force myself to read that last book? I always hear people say “I cant wait to read bedtime stories!” Like that’s all parents do. Or isn’t usually the dads who say “oh yeah I always read a bed time story” Yes, but do you also do the cooking the cleaning the entertaining the running the nappies the shouting the cuddling the screaming the tantrums the feeding the washing the reading the playing the mending the shopping the driving the lifting the pushing? After all that I just want to close the door and say goodnight! But when Coco says ” read a story please!” I have stopped rolling my eyes and now I smile and give it one last push for the night.
For the run up to Easter I had decided Coco and Labelle could do something nice. An egg hunt (I’m going to be freezing my ass off) , some painting ( ughh mess), some cutting ( more mess) or some sprinkling and gluing (that’s just going to go everywhere). It’s not that we never paint at home, we do sometimes but I’m always hovering and shouting when the paintbrush is right next to the sofa or Labelle is sucking on hers. It’s bloody stressful and I ruin it for them. But in light of being a better mum, I have decided to ignore any mess and let them enjoy!
We froze our asses off at Willow’s Farm that held an egg hunt with no eggs to find, good thing they had a really noisy crazy indoor soft play area that the kids enjoyed and I realised we paid thirty quid to get into a play center. Great. Anyway. I was not put off. I bought loads of white eggs and loads of other tat from a really expensive craft shop ( err why did they close down Woolworths?) and we made a great Easter Table Display.We emptied the eggs, painted and dyed them and filled them with goodies. We had about 7 tantrums, 4 screams, 5 roll arounds on the floor, me shouting numerous times like a control freak “you’re ruining it” and loads of eggs. Even though Coco and Labelle couldn’t be bothered to paint anymore and I found myself painting alone, I am really really proud of what they made!
When I asked Coco why I’m the only one painting, he replied
“Cause you’re the ADDUUUULLLT MUM!”
Let your eyes roll.